I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
