haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
