Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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