Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize