Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
