Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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