So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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