awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
