he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize