He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
