oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize