We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
