Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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