I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
