Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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