I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
