C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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