Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize