I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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