i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i need an iv and a liver transplant
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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