Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
