Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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