Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
