the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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