turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
