i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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