I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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