those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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