I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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