If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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