1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
