guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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