Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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