When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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