i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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