Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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