I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize