You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
