I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
