Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
