Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
