i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
