When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The Olympian is in my bed
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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