So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
