Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You don't make any sense
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