This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize