Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
