how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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