fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
