Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
