His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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