Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
