I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
