I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
