Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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