Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
