Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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