dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize