when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
