my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
