You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
