They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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