well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
