my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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