Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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